I've taken a break from Thought Bubble over the last few weeks. I did this for two reasons: Firstly I was busy having a social life and secondly I needed to step back for a while. The quality of my last entry is a good reflection of the state of mind I was in when writing it - it comes across as muddled and contradictory. It was not a topic I wanted to write about but it was some thing that I had available so had to publish, or so I thought.
Looking back on it almost instantly I regretted it. The feeling that it was terrible kept picking at my mind like a pulsing headache. I had to edit or maybe even delete it. I shouldn't ignore this impulse. So naturally I ignored it. A day later I was curled up on the sofa feeling sorry for myself. I'd had my first piece of feedback on the post from somebody I trust and it wasn't good. We both knew I was capable of better. I allowed myself five minutes of mop-ing before I pulled myself together and decided to eat breakfast. Over breakfast we discussed the immediate problems with the blog entry. I bit the bullet and listened. I mean really listened because if I didn't I would do the same mistakes again. It was then I realised that what I was hearing I'd heard before yet foolishly ignored. I felt ashamed to have ignored some good advice, and then the list kept growing. It was a humbling experience. I spent the rest of the day pondering over exactly why what had happened did happen. The day turns into a week and a week into two. By now I've got myself figured out and I came to the following conclusions.
Aside from not accepting advice I realised that I was not writing true to myself. Usually when I write some thing it is because I feel a strong passion to spread the news whilst giving an opinion I find cathartic and not straying too far from being objective. Clearly not in this particular case and in other cases where my writing has been less then my best. In those cases I had been writing for an imagined audience with imagined expectations and standards. If I publish a blog I expect other people will read it but that does not mean that I should cater my style towards them. What I did was create a piece I thought would fulfil their expectations or wants and it failed. In reality it is impossible to know what any one person truly wants. Most people never know themselves. In the end if some body likes what you do then they will stick with you if you know it or not.
In trying to write for an audience I also assimilated the most favourable elements from other writers I enjoy. After all, if they are successful then they must be doing some thing right, right? Its a semi-logical action to take if you want to please other people and you feel uncertain about the correct approach to a topic. However, shoehorning in elements of forced comedy is not the right approach to take. It makes what I've put up look cheap, lazy and undermines the point of the piece, but more personally then that - by adopting other peoples approaches to the written text I have dismissed my own ability to craft my own art.
The article was forced out of me. I started writing the blog at least a week previously during when the same-sex marriage debate was in all the national papers and I wanted to remind people that we are all alike despite the minor differences. That we all want acceptance and love and comfort. Differences are but chromosome deep. In primary school I was raised on the Church of England's own brand of Christianity, those were the three points I came away with and stuck with me for life: Acceptance, love, comfort. I find it ironic and hypocritical that they would resist against these things. I wanted to give context to my previously stated opinions as well as finalise my point on the matter [as if any of this needed to be done]. I no longer wanted to talk about the issue but move on completely.
Because I was wanting to move on I treated the article as if it was an inconvenience and not a pleasure. I remember about half way through the final stretch that I, at worst, resented it. I even skipped out on proof reading and editing so that I could go do some thing else. I felt obligated to finish what I'd started. My alarm bells were ringing but I ignored them for the sake of closure. In the end however I was left with a messy wall of text that I just felt embarrassed about.
So what have I learnt from all of this? After two weeks of internal deliberation I have learnt that I should be wary of pride. I've heard suggestions for improvement but I'm not always willing to implement them or even give them a try. I must use the advice given to me by those who know what they are talking about. You cannot always see the forest for the trees so take heed from those who can. Especially if they've studied trees for a living.
I must be true to myself above all others. I write firstly for me, then for others. I always have. Usually. If I don't like my work then others probably wont either. The world is full of people I admire and whose work inspires me. They all have their own success story but that does not mean that their path is one to follow. As a writer I want mine to be as unique as myself otherwise it is not my story.
Lastly and most importantly I've learnt that I have a real emotional investment in what I do and that I should listen to my heart when it comes to the art I've created. The heart constructs art, the head deconstructs art. The heart knows and the head learns. But only if it listens.
As a result of my new approach to my art I will actively implement more listening into part of my work. I want to make this blog bigger and better and improve on my abilities. To do this I am going to go back through my entire back history of blog entries and correct the spelling and grammar. I'm also going to grab some books from the library on grammar and really absorb their knowledge. As I grow so will this blog. Additionally I'm opening up and encourage people to leave a comment at the bottom of each entry. After all, if no one speaks up how can we hope to learn by listening?
Finally I am giving this web-log a complete make-over. I've experimented with some templates over the last few months but none have felt right and some have even made it challenging to read the words on screen. I've asked around have found a designer who is willing to help but to those who wish to give their in-put then please feel free to do so. All suggestions will be appreciated. Even the shit ones.
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