Now We Cut To Commercials

THE SALE:

I Couldn't Find A Picture of A Woman Holding A Box Of 'Daz' So Here Is A 1950's Depiction of Gang Rape

*impromptu jaunty jingle*

When you get home from a nice long round journey walk into town, the job centre and back in the blistering mad day sun, the last thing you want is to die of malnutrition.

9 out of 10 medical experts agree that malnutrition is not a "cool" way to die.

That's why, when I get hungry, I eat!

It's SO SIMPLE!

First of all, you open the fridge and chose what you would like - with so much variety, it's easy to see why 'eating' is America's NUMBER 1 CHOICE for STAYING ALIVE!

Lets see . . . I've got some lettuce, half a apple, some purple stuff - oh, GARLIC BREAD - ALRIGHT!

Second, you check the handy instructions on the side, pre-set your oven, pop your food into the oven and when it's done. . .

Step three - you take it out the oven, and EAT!

Boy, if it wasn't for eating, my life would sure be devoid of meaning!

So when you next get 'hungry', remember; All you've got to do is EAT!

...

What? 37 per cent of Americans mistake thirst for hunger? When you've been out in the sun the most important thing is to keep hydrated?! Being fully hydrated not only makes us more alert but also aids our natural metabolism to break down body fat, make you look younger, reduce blood pressure and depression, ease joint pain, help you sleep better at night AND improve bowl movements AND helps contribute to the balancing of a healthy life style when the world already has a complete imbalance of food distribution?!!!

Well fuck me, Jimmy I think you've just shown me the Light! - Thank YOOOU!!!

*end of advert*

THE REALITY:

The Cold, Harsh, Despairing Reality

When I got home from a gruelling, long round journey walk into town, the job centre and back in the blistering mad day sun, the last thing I wanted is to walk into a spider's web just in front of my door step.

I get inside and slam the door shut knowing that, finally, I am safe from the outside world and can work on paling my skins complexion by sitting in the dark and festering my phobia of the neighbours by playing video games about sociopaths.

But alas, I am hungry!

Firstly I get a pint of water and sip it slowly, because unlike 37 per cent of American's, I'm not a big fat wobbling lard arse. I open the fridge . . .

Okay, we've got a lettuce, a tub of butter, some weird growing purple stuff . . . oh and garlic bread  - ALRIGHT!

Open packet. Put on tray. Set oven temperature. Close door. Sit down in front of computer and read reviews on The Escapist for half an hour...

(half an hour later)

...Remember that it only takes 12 minutes to cook garlic bread - fly like the [hungry] ninja to the kitchen

and smash through oven door with bare hands to pull out scolding hot baking tray.

Bread burned = FAIL!

Shrug. Put on plate, serve up!

Start eating the squishy moist inner bits whilst discarding the charcoal edges. 

Tastes like WIN!

Something strange on burned crust. Inspect. Find mould spot. Turn bread over. Discover SUPER mould!

Super mould = FAIL!

Decide to eat more of delicious centre anyway as mould only on out side. Rip of fresh chunk - discover inside to be mucus green.

Stomach starts to cramp = FAIL!

Stand up to admit breaded, mouldy defeat - knock over pint of water = FAIL! 

Garlic bread in bin = FAIL!

Let me do the maths for you: Mould+Bread+Eaten+Life = FAAAAAAIL!!!!

WE INTERRUPT THIS INTERCELLULAR STIMULATING BLOGSPOT TO BRING YOU AN URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT. 

OddBins store on Street Lane, Leeds, one of the clusters biggest stores has JUST been told to be packed up and fucked off by the end of the night. No excuses.

In more celebrity news - Julian Barret and Julia Davis came into Chapel Allerton branch [SQUEE!]. I refuse to educate yet MORE people as to whom they are so do the work your selves. Jack asses.