Music: Chainsaw Penis Review

Fuck. Apparently a review that states: "If you can't say something nice you shouldn't say anything at all" followed by ten sheets of blank paper is "not good enough" for the members of 'Chainsaw Penis'. I would say the fault lies with the band that inspired ten sheets of blank paper. Anyway, two of the band members are from Todmorden, that town in the news you might have heard of in West Yorkshire that was recently completely flooded with rain water, as if God was angry and wanted to correct a foul mistake. I don't think it's a coincidence. They are not one of God's own, and I'm not sure the "other guy" wants them either.

So, you might have thought that I would learn my lesson. Wasn't it enough that the first song I heard off Chainsaw Penis' EP caused me to double over with stomach cramps last week [thus why this review is late]? Apparently not, because here I am and back for more, like a gluttonous pig. There is no dignity in what I do. Also, if I do this they've promised to tell me where they've buried my dog.

Let's get this over with. This is Chainsaw Penis' first EP "50 Shades of Shit". It is nothing short of a car-wreck of noise. I imagine they had inspiration, somehow, and whatever it was should be ashamed. If I had to guess at their musical influences, I'd point the blame at metal, punk, thrash core and vomiting in the gutter on a Friday night, thus I categorise "50 Shades . . ." as 'Shit-Core' or "Grind-Whore" or whatever. Who cares? This album will be lucky to see a bargain bin at your local petrol station.

"50 Shades . . ." contains ten "songs" [a term I attach as loosely as the "artists'" minds are held together] and, as an upcoming-aspiring-professional-amateur-reviewer, it is MY duty to review the unreviewable, no matter how many stomach cramps or nose bleeds it takes, even if I'm tired, it's late and I think I'm running dangerously out of blood . . . look, instead of actually trying to find anything good to say about the album [a near impossible feat] I'll do the next best thing and grade the songs by what shade of shit they inspire me to think of from the Dulux colour wheel. I wish I was making these colours' names up.

1. Intro (Its Not Doom) : I have to keep playing this track so that I can remember what I'm writing about. I keep zoning out before the end. Completely forgettable.

Shit Shade: Brown. Just brown.

2. Fanny Like A Smashed Crab : Eight seconds I'll never get back.

Shit Shade: Volcanic Splash

3. Chainsaw Penis : Self-titled. Fucking terrible balance. The crackling gave me tinnitus. It's all gone wrong.

Shit Shade: Kiwi Burst

4. Anally Raped with Rusty Heroin Needles : Completely inaudible. "Anally Raped with Rusty Heroin Needles" . . . really?!

Shit Shade: Flame Frenzy

5. Penis Chainsaw : Oh, I see what they did there. Yes, very clever.

Shit Shade: Nectar Jewels

Ugh. The stomach cramps are coming back . . .

6. The Game : I just lost it.

Shit Shade: Spicy Sandalwood.

7. Punching A Woman Whilst Wearing A Bear Suit : Another reason to hate Nicolas Cage - he inspired this audio diarrhoea.

Shit Shade: Sulphur Springs

8. Metal Is Gay : Somehow this is my favourite track on the album. I didn't realise having a favourite track off this album was possible. Might have something to do with the fact that for half the track they don't "play" any instruments.

Shit Shade: Guinness Black

9. Fuck The X-Factor: Right. This is actually a track worth writing about - sort of, at a stretch. The opening fifty eight seconds of this track should not go undervalued - they make a sterling attempt at a contribution to the counter-culture against televised humiliation and cheap so-called talent shows of our modern age. I completely agree that to imagine that future generations are going to look back and know that this is what our nation watched for entertainment is nothing short of embarrassing. They should indeed be ashamed of themselves, and are nothing but the perfect visual example of how the rich are exploiting the middle, working and lower classes for instant capital gain whilst subduing independent thought and closing their grip over the popular music market. Stifling genuinely creative and interesting talent. A call to revolutionary arms. Sadly the fifty ninth second onwards completely unravels any level of respectability and intelligence the previous minute built, and every second after that is an increase in velocity back to the bottom, face first.

Shit Shade: Cowell Smug

God damnit, these gut cramps are getting painful . . . 

10. The Legend of Penis: Ocarina of Troll : I'm assuming that one of the band knows how to play the ocarina. Otherwise I see no purpose to this track other then to shock their unfortunate victims out of their self induced coma by heavily contrasting their previous filth with something that sounds mildly pleasant. This is, of course, a trolling attempt by the band as, just as soon as you think it's all over they start noise vocal making . . . ARRGH! My stomach f**king hurts!

JESUS CHRIST! IS THAT BLOOD IN MY STOOLS? WTF?!! THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS MUSIC?!!1!11

Shit Shade: Ruby Fountain

By far the most challenging piece of writing I have ever been coerced into doing. Every twenty minutes or so my brain just sort of  . . . "strokes" off as if it's trying to forget what it's doing so I will stop doing it. Between battling my brain, the music and my ever-decreasing blood pressure it's a miracle that I ever got this far . . . as much as it is a miracle that Chainsaw Penis got recently signed to a record label. Little known record label 'Vodka Bastard Rekkardz' are obviously insane. Or evil. Or deaf.

Remember, I listen to this dredge so you don't have to. Don't encourage them. Don't buy this EP. Please. I'm begging you.

Right, I've done my part, now tell me where you buried my dog you bastards!